More Guanatamo Abuse

The U.S. Army bristled at new reports of prisoner abuse this week from Time Magazine. The allegations include the dumping of a water bottle on the head of the 20th hijacker, Mohamed al-Qahtani and the invasion of the same prisoner's "personal space by a female interrogator.

The report did not mention as to whether al-Qahtani was allowed to finish his second helping of fried chicken with double vegetables, before being forced to withstand the foul presence of a woman.

Senate hearings next week focus on charges from Democrats Pat Leahy and Joe Biden alleging that U.S. guards:

• failed to invite or invited only popular prisoners to staff birthday parties
• implied that certain prisoners had a "crush" on a female guard named only "Lt. Marsha"
• did not share the only copy of Tony Hawk Pro Skater for PlayStation
• borrowed musical albums yet did not return them
• returned borrowed power tools but with damage in some instances
• did not support the writing ambitions of one very talented terrorist author even though he is really really good
• hogged the remotes
• did not wipe down exercise equipment after using it
• ate entire box of Triscuits even though "al-Qahtani" was clearly written on it
• left toys on the stairs
• left socks on the floor
• stood up in canoes
• tipped consistently below 18% when eating out causing acute embarrassment to the fragile sensibilities of at least 5 enemy combatants
• forced prisoners to go swimming without waiting the requisite 30 minutes after finishing dinner
• forced prisoners to wear white shoes after Labor Day
• downloaded pirate mp3s
• flossed poorly if at all
• served Chardonnay with beef entrees instead of requisite Cabernet Sauvignon or Merlot

Press Secretary Scott McClellan promised a full internal investigation, but made clear that the actions of a few "poor flossers who leave socks about" should not reflect badly on the vast majority of service men and women who "tip well and know how to share."