Bill Maher Takes Gold at 2005 Snide Olympics
World class smartass wows Seoul spectators with jaded observational sarcasm routine
posted by BohemianLikeYOU at 9/26/2005 07:05:00 PM
Monday, September 26, 2005
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September 23, 2005
Time for New Rules, everybody.
New Rule: The next major destructive storm must be called Hurricane George. You've earned it, buddy! Congratulations. You are officially a Category 5 president.
New Rule: If your razor has five blades, it's not a razor, it's a weed-whacker. With the new Gillette Fusion razor, the first blade lifts the stubble; the second severs the hair follicle; the third slices your skin; the fourth scrapes bone marrow; and the fifth was used by O.J. Simpson to kill his wife, and he wants it back.
New Rule: No more nudity on billboards. You know, I'm all for sex in advertising, but not where horny men drive. I don't want to launch into a big lecture about safety, but the other day, the guy in front of me slammed on his brakes to gawk, and the woman who was blowing me almost hit her head on the steering wheel!
New Rule: If you give a nine-year-old a hunting rifle, expect to have a hole in your head next to the one you already have. That's right. Fathers are signing up their kids to win free hunting trips. Great time to find out she's pissed about not getting that doll. I'm sorry, but the first time your daughter should see a shotgun is at her wedding when she's 14.
And finally, New Rule: Just because we have an obligation to rebuild New Orleans doesn't mean we have to put it back in the same place. For $200 billion, we could put the French Quarter on the moon. Why don't we put it someplace it can stay out of harm and do some good? After all, New Orleans is the Big Easy, and a lot of America is uptight. Which is why I say we put New Orleans in Kansas.
What do you say, Kansas? Put down your hoes and come meet some. Welcome New Orleans to the land that fun forgot. An infusion of color and gayness in the dry Kansas plain. Why, it'll be as if they shot "The Wizard of Oz" on location. You're going to love it! New Orleans is one of the great towns. It's my kind of town, an outpost of free living and sophistication in a sea of - well, now, sea.
You can't tell me that the giant swath of red America that Kansas sits in the middle of wouldn't benefit from thousands of insane Creoles who understand that hangovers only happen to people foolish enough to stop drinking. I read this week that the strippers have gone back to work in New Orleans. They don't even have clothes, and already they're taking them off. Kansas could use some of that spirit.
It could use some jazz, some blues...some blacks. The people of New Orleans are the most tolerant of all Americans. I mean, for Christ's sake, they put up with Anne Rice! And as an extra bonus, they're French, and that'll really piss off Bush. When the French land right in the middle of Bob Dole's Viagra farm.
So, don't think of it as a million-and-a-half black people moving in next door. Think of it as the "March of the Penguins." Only, you know, with a million-and-a-half black people.
Yes, I see a shining city on a plain. New Orleans, Kansas. Where people are learning. They're learning that a gay pride parade isn't something to fear; it's something to laugh at. So what do you say, Kansas? They need a home. You need to get the stick out of your ass. It's a win-win! Come on, Kansas, show some curiosity, show some compassion. But most of all, show us your tits!!
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