Monday, February 13, 2006

Nation Braces for Onslaught of Cheney Hunting Accident Metaphors

Rationing of metaphors, allegories, figures of speech, similies, and analogies may begin as early as 8:00 PM tonight.

Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff appealed for calm today, but cautioned that current stockpiles of metaphorical rhetoric may be insufficient to meet the expected demand caused by the Vice President's hunting mishap.

"You've got to appreciate the fragile nature of this situation," Chertoff explained. "No one could have predicted this combination of ironies. First, there's the whole 'weapons' of mass destruction thing. Then, you've got the 'pro-gun, NRA angle.' Of course, you've got the notion of a "dramatic, premature misfiring' with a 'loaded weapon' to worry about.

Most serious, however, is the explosive potential of the Vice President's first name: Dick. It is a powderkeg - literally."

Zany morning show DJs, late night talk show hosts, and stand-up comedians including Dennis Miller, Lewis Black, and John Stewart have been given priority access to the reserves due to the time sensitive nature of their work.
Big hat tip to Darrell of the Southern Conservative for alerting me to the Cox and Forkum cartoon.


Anonymous Whitman said...

I was going to make a witty, humorous, and insightful comment. But when I reached for my bag of metaphors, it had already been stolen by none other than Jay Leno! Curse you Leno and your Conan O'Brian too!

2/14/2006 11:22:00 PM  
Anonymous ray b said...

You can't make this stuff up -

Some real headlines today:

Pellets Likely to Stay in Man Cheney Shot

Cheney's keeping secrets again

Gunning for Cheney

Growing GOP Concerns About Cheney
CBS News

- 2 hours ago
(CBS/AP) There's growing grumbling within Republican ranks and within the White House itself over how Vice President Dick Cheney has handled the hunting mishap ...

US press returns fire on Cheney

Another Cheney-related heart attack, this time not his ...

Republicans worry about Cheney's silence in shooting incident

Late Show with David Letterman, CBS:

— "Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney."

— "We can't get (Osama) bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."

— "The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet."

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Comedy Central:

— "Vice-President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt . . . making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honour, integrity and political manoeuvring. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."

— "Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. . . . But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. . . . moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice-president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted — it's just not worth it."

Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, CBS
"The big scandal apparently is that they didn't release the news for 18 hours. I don't think that's a scandal at all. I'm quite pleased about that. Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can keep."

— "Apparently the reason they didn't release the information right away is they said we had to get the facts right. That's never stopped them in the past."

2/15/2006 11:35:00 AM  
Anonymous ray b said...

The Lies Behind the Truth: Liberal Media Not Reporting on Parts of Whittington That Didn’t Get Shot


or even better:
See Harry Whittington's blog.

2/16/2006 10:44:00 AM  
Anonymous ray b said...

From Wonkette:

"Have you ever been in a situation
where somebody you thought was your friend did something that hurt you very much, and then they tried to blame it on you? And then that person waited 18 hours to report it to the media, and that person's colleagues tried to make a joke out of it, until you had a heart attack? Just wondering."

If you have an answer, please wait three days and then tell it to Brit Hume.

2/20/2006 08:21:00 AM  

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