Monday, February 26, 2007

Director of "Pirhana 2: The Sequel" Finds Jesus Tomb, 2pac Shakur, Elvis, & Jimmy Hoffa

James Cameron finds "tomb of Jesus family," buries career inside.

Scholars and archaeologists were shamed today as the Academy Award winning director corrected prior assumptions about 27 year old Israeli find.

"Not only was Jesus married, the evidence strongly suggests he was also a slave-owning global-warmer," James Cameron said today. "When the experts get it wrong, we with money must get it right. The 'larger truth' demands it."

Skeptics worry that movie makers doing archaeology could lead to an obfuscation of the facts for profit or power - the logical end of which could lead to politicians doing climatology.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

I Support the Troops, but not Their Mission

A generation raised on microwave dinners, no fault divorce, and abortion on demand lifts its head up from the trough, and complains we've been in Iraq too long.

I support my wife, but not the marriage.
I support my child, but not the parenting.
I support my friends, but not the friendship.
I support my job, but not the work.

Fetus Has Striking Resemblance to Baby

Fetus leaves hospital with host progenitors at 22 weeks.

A fetus born after just under 22 weeks in the womb - among the shortest gestation periods known for a live birth - will remain in a hospital a few extra days as a precaution, officials said.

Amillia Taylor, who weighed less than 10 ounces (283 grams), had been expected to be sent home this week.

Friends of the female host expressed cheerful exasperation as they did not even have time to throw a fetus shower for her.

Monday, February 12, 2007

DNC Unleashes Unstoppable Super-Candidate: Oprack Winframa

"If elected, I promise a new car to every American soldier who will cut-and-run."

"Finally, the spirit of the age has the candidate it demands," announces Democratic National Committee Chair Howard Dean.

"He's white, he's black, he's a woman, he's a man. He's privately 'religious' but publicly an 'atheist.' He's personally against abortion but has an A+ Planned Parenthood rating!

He's clean and articulate, too! YEAAAAARRRAAGGGGHHHH!"

Monday, February 05, 2007

Headlines You Will Never See, Vol. III

Another edition of HYWNS brought to you by WHYGRR.

Al Qaeda Presses Bin Laden for Jihad Timetable
"He's had five years. Who wants to be the last suicide bomber to die in this war?" ask moderate Muslims.


Darwinian Evolution Powerless over Homosexuality
You can believe people are born gay or Darwinian Evolution, not both.


Shirking Replaces Baseball as National Pastime
Baby-mamas point finger at deadbeat dads who blame George Bush, McDonald's, Halliburton, Karl Rove, second hand smoke, and trans-fats.

Democrats Pro-Choice on Abortion, Work, Fatherhood, Marriage
"When it comes to commitment, we support freedom of choice."

Military-Industrial Complex Dwarfed by Media-Industrial Complex
"Are we writing stories that simply don't have to be written?"


Is Big Coffee Behind U.S. Strikes on Somalia?
Cheney probed for financial ties to Starbucks, Chock Full O' Nuts.

Metrosexuals Demand Civil Rights Protections
"Just because we look gay doesn't mean we are."


Special Report: Church of Satan gave little to Katrina victims in 2006.
Charges of greed and selfishness rock organization.

Congressional Black Caucus Pressures Networks for More Black TV Shows.
In other news: 75,000 Africans died today of genocide, AIDS, slavery, and famine.